Stopping the Production Line of Manufactured Stress

Most of us are familiar with the quote, The only two certainties in life are death and taxes, credited to Benjamin Franklin and I would argue there are three.  The third being stress. Stress is not something that we have to wait to experience either. We are born into it as the act of entering this world is stressful. We will go on to learn this is merely the beginning—stress of all kinds awaits us as we move through life. Change is frequently a source of stress, even when the change is positive. Life, in and of itself, is stressful so why do many of us (myself included) choose to manufacture additional stress?

Let’s take a look at some stressors that many of us encounter in our lifetime, like moving, traffic jams, arguments, playing a competitive game, starting a new job, ending a relationship, starting a new one, losing a loved one, health issues, running late for an appointment and the list goes on and on. Our individual response levels may vary and all of these can be acute stressors and some have the potential to lead to chronic stress. Our bodies are built to deal with acute stress, and again, certain levels of stress actually keep us performing at our best. When stress becomes chronic or we do not have healthy strategies to handle even acute stress, it can negatively impact our overall well being.

I don’t want to give the impression that stress is entirely bad. I believe that most things run on a spectrum and while we often focus on the two extremes, the sweet spot is most often somewhere between the two. The sweet spot here is referred to as eustress. If you’d like to dig into this concept a little more, you can go back and read my blog on Finding Your Optimal Stress Level. When I’m working with an individual around stress management, my first question is often, where can you reduce stress? We’ve determined stress is unavoidable and what we say no (and yes to) and choosing how we respond to stressors are two places we do have some control.

When we take a look at reducing overall stress, it can be a combination of learning to be selective in what we say no and yes to and choosing how we respond to stressors. What does this look like in real life? I’ll share some simple examples from my life which may seem ridiculous to some and resonate deeply with others. A few years back a friend and former boss asked me to help coach a local volleyball team. My initial reaction was to say yes because of the friendship, my undying love for sport and my tendency to be a people pleaser. I didn’t want to say no to my friend and I also have this sense of paying it forward with volleyball. The sport has been such a positive part of my life since pre-teenage years that I have this sense of obligation to give back to it. And of course, what good people pleaser ever says no to anything? Fortunately for my well being, and the well being of my family, I was able to think it through and give myself permission to say no without guilt. I had coached before so I knew the time and energy it would take to do this job and do it well. I also recognized the season of life I was in with a newly blended family, my own son playing basketball, working full time and exploring entrepreneurship, that the so-called ‘cup’ would be empty most if not all of the time. So I expressed appreciation for my friend thinking of me and  kindly declined the offer. I said no to the coaching position so I could say yes to showing up in my other roles in a way I could feel good about. 

If you find saying no difficult, you’re not alone and this next one may not be any easier. It is learning the skill to embrace, or at least tolerate, the idea that sometimes the only thing we have control over is how we respond to a situation. I had a very big win for me in this area recently. Again, some may roll their eyes or even stop reading and others will smile or even chuckle at the shared frustration. I consider myself to be a fairly patient and laid back individual. I am also very aware there are areas where this is not so much the case although I am making progress. My most recent win came in the area of technology. I’m one of those people that loves technology and has very little patience when it doesn’t work. I had been prompted to change my password on my work computer and thanks to my husband and Bitwarden, I no longer dread password changes. I changed my password and synced it as prompted…or so I thought. The next morning I was completely locked out of my computer. Neither my old nor new password would get me in. I could feel the panic rising along with frustration and almost anger. I had followed the steps, why isn’t it working? How am I going to do my job? I should already be logged in! Having a greater awareness of my low tolerance level for these situations I paused and decided to do what I often coach others on (which is only a slightly less difficult pill to swallow than when my son touts my own advice to me). Acknowledge the frustration, discern what is in my control and choose how to respond. While frustration was present, allowing myself to get worked up into a frenzy was not going to be helpful. I reached out to the help desk, let my manager know and figured out workarounds. Ironically, thanks to technology, I would be able to do my work with the data I could extract from my phone. Not ideal but functional. In practicing radical acceptance, my morning was much more peaceful. Nothing about the situation changed other than how I chose to respond. My husband, who knows my intolerance for technology issues and knew I was having issues, remarked with a bit of surprise that my demeanor was surprisingly calm and my face was not telling of the siutation. Yes, I have a ‘technology is pissing me off’ face’.

All this is to say life is stressful enough with the day to day things, let’s stop making it harder on ourselves by manufacturing additional stress and focus our energy on where we have come control. In the words of Oprah Winfrey, You can have it all. Just not all at once. Learning to say no to some things allows us to truly say yes to others. If we choose to say yes to everything, it is highly unlikely we will do any of those things in the way we really want, let alone have any energy left over for ourselves. Practicing radical acceptance and focusing on what’s in our control is equally, if not more powerful. It can help us keep stress levels down by exercising control in how we respond to a stressor and directing our energy in a meaningful way. If you find it difficult to get into that mindset (I know I do), I often lean into breathing exercises in the heat of the moment. I hope this has given you some things to consider in your approach to stress and if you are feeling overly stressed, some helpful takeaways on how to reduce stress.